The Must Haves

I am now introducing my best products thus far.

1 – Dermalogica Multivitamin Power Recovery Masque.
Unlike majority of the population, I am not blessed with good skin. My skin is both oily and flaky dry and I also suffer from acne. I have tried many products over the years, not to mention numerous trips to dermatologists and it was only recently that I manage to have my acne problem under control.

This masque is one miracle worker. Victoria Beckham once called this her ‘ambulance in a tube’. I don’t know about its other benefits (people everywhere rave that it calms, nourishes and heals the skin) but this is the only one thing that really helps with my acne and it is really gentle to the skin. It is recommended to apply this masque twice a day, for 20 minutes but my skin is way more problematic than the masses so I apply it on every other day for as long as I like. Sometimes I even sleep with it although it does affect my sleep quality as I can feel it sitting on my face. Plus it stains the pillow. I am not completely cured but these days I’m off all topical acne creams.

Pimples, although the number has significantly gone down, still pop out whenever and wherever they want but they are less angry, clear up faster, mostly puss-free and the scarring too is not deep thus easier to lighten. I love this masque to the max but I can’t say the same about other Dermalogica products – I have tried their MediBac series and few others and they have no positive effect on my skin (some just aggravated it further!).

Price : RM241
Size: 75ml

2- Laneige Water Sleeping Pack EX
This is a bestseller from Laneige and I add this to my regimen to help with my dry skin. My skin is super super dry and on certain days I experience flakiness on the WHOLE face. This product doesn’t actually work wonders but it helps - in my case my skin goes from severe to medium/mild dry. I was told to sleep with this twice a week, but my skin dryness is so severe that I slather this on my face EVERY single night. On particularly bad days, I would apply it again before I go back to sleep after Subuh prayer.

What I like about this mask (other than the hydration) is 1) the smell is so good – although it doesn’t stay for long. 2) It doesn’t break me out and it feels soooooo light on the skin. Dry skin could be due to dehydration (means its lacking moisture) or dryness (not producing enough oils). This water sleeping pack is oil-free so I guess it is for the former. Perhaps oil-rich moisturizers would work a lot better for me but they tend to feel heavy on the face and I don’t like that sticky feeling.

This gel needs to be applied at least 15 minutes before bed time to allow it to be completely absorbed by the skin. Otherwise it is slightly uncomfortable to sleep with the face being so ‘wet’. Left overnight, I’d wake up with super smooth, plump skin – although the effect is only temporary. I can only comment on its effectiveness to hydrate the skin and not sure about its claims on skin brightening.

Price: RM 100 but it’s a lot cheaper at duty free area. Like in Changi – RM144 for 2 tubs.
Size: 80gm

3- Biore UV Perfect Face Milk SPF50+ PA+++
I don’t go out without sunscreen (face and body) and no matter how much I love the Dermalogica masque, this is one single product I can’t live without. This is the perfect sunscreen for those with hyperactive oil glands (ME! ME!). Not only it protects the skin from all sorts of harmful rays, it is also verryyyyyyyyy mattifying. I put this on in the morning and my skin stays matte until forever – if I go bare, my face would be slick with oil in 2 hours. Sometime I apply it on top of thinly applied Vit E cream (very thick and oily) and it still mattifies pretty well. Plus it also helps with large gaping pores.

The only problem is that I don’t think it is water and sweat proof (although I’m not sure myself). If it is then it would be perfect and I can stop looking, but we can’t have everything can we? I am not someone who sweats easily so I’ll survive just fine with this sunscreen for normal ‘city activities’ and I use other sunscreens when I, say, go to the beach. Another good mattifying sunscreen is Za Power Block UV SPF40 PA++. (I’d give 10/10 to Biore for its mattifying power and 9/10 for Za). But I prefer Biore because it gives higher protection and I prefer its watery texture (Za is creamy).

The thing with sunscreen is – ALWAYS use makeup remover at the end of the day. It will clog the pores thus creating the perfect breeding ground for acne. For the body I just whatever (at the moment its Banana Boat) and haven’t bought anything more than once.

Price: RM 30-ish (always on promotion at Watsons/ Guardian)
Size: 30ml

4 – Cetaphil Gentle Skin Cleanser.
I have been using this gentle cleanser for 7 years now as I found that other cleansers are just too harsh for my skin. However, because it doesn’t foam or smell I am somehow deprived of that ‘clean’ feeling after washing the face so sometimes I have a slight doubt whether it actually does what it’s supposed to do i.e. clean. Since it doesn’t break me out I guess it must be working. Dermatologists everywhere would recommend gentle skin cleanser (naturally Cetaphil is top on their list) for acne – prone skin so yeah, I’m sticking with this for many many years to come.

Many sizes, price starts at RM15.

5 – Elgy Plus Cracked Heel Cream
10-star product. This is a famous product and I dont think it needs further introduction. Beats all other cracked heel creams hands down. I see results after just one application and my heels are cured in just two days. No more disgusting heels. A must have for those who drink less than 8 glasses of water a day.
Price: RM 20-ish (always on promotion at Watsons/ Guardian)
Size: 50gm

Cheezy cake

My first attempt at baking cheesecake. Cheesecake is a real pain. This is only halfway. I'm supposed to chill it for a few hours but I just x have the patience so I potong jgak cheesecake ni lpas baked before masuk fridge..

I was so worried that it would crack, but now happy la = no cracks at all.

I'm in Singapore and my suspicion is confirmed - that shopping is not my thing. My hotel is in Orchard, I'm surrounded by many, many shopping complexes in all directions, all within walking distance and I have no desire to shop. Its not just the location, I will also be getting some rezeki soon, so I really have no reason not to shop except that I dont really enjoy shopping (I might if I have unlimited supply of money). This is where Khalis and I differ. Khalis encourages me to shop - his fav words - we have to reward ourselves. But me, I get more satisfaction looking at my bank balance than new clothes, shoes etc.

Feelin Carnivorous

We bought Kobe Beef (sirloin) and I pon tried la buat steak. The result was OK, tasted better than Tony Roma's (where I had horrible wagyu and filet mignon steaks - I went there twice, I aint coming back. However, I must say that Khalis lovess their ribs.) The colour's dark due to the spices used tapi the meat mmg tender..

Imported from Pasir Mas.. Kat KL mana nk cari beb..

Mkn2..bile ntah

Every Ramadhan, my dad would unfailingly pesan..
Nak dapat Lailatul Qadr kene menghidupkan malam. Syarat minimum menghidupkan malam kene solat isya' dah subuh berjemaah dah terawih..
Itu sahaja. sekian.

On our way back to KL from Melaka last few weeks, Khalis and I stopped for lunch in Seremban with the in laws. We went to this famous restaurant in Seremban, Restoren Nelayan. They served authentic Nogori food and had gulai tempoyak. The highlight of the day was ikan kerai which I unfortunately couldnt try because of the tempoyak. Nevertheless, I really enjoyed my terubuk bakar..So much that I finished sepinggan nasik.

You see, terubuk bakar is very special to me. Its something that my dad loved to make on Fridays. I'm not sure if he still does. There are not that many ppl at home nowadays.

That time in Seremban was the first time in my whole life that I had terubuk bakar prepared by someone else other than my dad. There are two dishes that my dad could prepare better than anyone else. First would be ikan singgang and second would be terubuk bakar. He used to make ikan singgang a lot when I was small and not so much when I was in my teenage years. Nowadays I guess he doesnt cook at all. My dad's ikan singgang's not too sour and a lot sweeter than average. Same goes for terubuk bakar - his is sweeter.

Endoscopy

I went for an endoscopy sometime late May due to persistent heartburn.

My history with heartburn started when I was 14, in the middle of the night and I thought I was dying. Ever since then I 've been getting heartburn for like 3-4 times a year. In the two months b4 the endoscopy however, I experienced heartburn on daily basis. It was a series of mild ones but could not be cured by Gaviscon. When I told my doctor about it, I was referred to an upper GI surgeon right away.

I wasnt expecting an endoscopy, I tot it would be a usual consultation session. The doctor asked me a lotsa questions and he didnt seem concerned. So I was a lil bit surprised when he said that altho he thinks that that my condition is not serious, he still needs to see the extend of the damage himself (read: endoscopy) just to be sure. So I was immediately sent to the other wing of the hospital and was asked to change into a hospital gown.
The doctor asked me if I'd prefer to do it consciously or under anesthetic.. There's no question I chose the later. I'd imagine shoving something down my throat that deep would be pretty traumatising.

Khalis wanted to come when I told him bout it. But I told him not to as the doctor said the it would be really quick. The hospital's really near to KLCC but it would be over by the time he got there.

The nurses prepared me for the procedure. First they inserted the IV tube for the anesthetic into my right hand. It was slightly painful and they had to do it twice as the first time it was a lil bit crooked. Then I was wheeled to the operation theatre. The room was small but impressive enough for me. There were so many monitors! A male nurse sprayed my throat with something that tasted like antibiotics they gave you for flu.

They told me to lie on my side. The doctor took 3 syringes of anesthesia and started injected them one by one thru my IV tube. Then I was off. For what seemed like seconds later, the male nurse said - Ok, dah siap and the doctor was nowhere in sight. The whole thing lasted 15 mints. So thats what being under anesthetic felt like. I tot its was something seen on TV, like you knew you were dozing off and you count to 5.

I spent like another half an hour on bed, waiting for the anesthesia to wear off. Then I changed back to my clothes and was given

1-Lunch
2-Report on the procedure
3-Photos
4-CD
5-Pills

The result was - there's something. But not so serious. I quote the doctor - the bark is worse than its bite.

London 2005

These days I’m thinking a lot about the past. Today I shall write about the very first time I went to the UK. It happened 6 years ago on Sept 18th. My flight was during the day. My family, my uncle’s family, khalis and sister in law sent me to the airport. Khalis departed later in October. JPA grouped the first years together according to our unis. We Cardiff students were divided into 2 groups and my group (the first group) flew together with those accepted into UCL. JPA officers greeted us in KLIA, helped us with checked in, did a short briefing and off we went down the escalator to Immigration.

Khalis gave me a few anak tudungs in a plastic bag, told me to look at them once I was inside the plane. Why anak tudung you might ask. I was sick before the departure date and couldn’t get a lot of things done. And I only started wearing anak tudung so I didn’t have so many. While I was recovering at home, Khalis said he’d get those anak tudung for me. It made perfect sense to me, coz I couldn’t be bothered with all the small things – I was in my departure week, my visa was still pending, and I haven’t bought the major items (luggage bag, baju sejuk etc) So ok, I put those anak tudungs inside my laptop bag and remembered them a few hours into the flight so I opened the plastic bag because I promised Khalis I would. I wasn’t suspicious at all. I was genuinely surprised when I saw a small box with a ring inside and a love letter. The ring was too big for me and very often it just slipped off my finger. Khalis didn’t check what my size was and bought one that fitted his small finger. I no longer have the ring, I lost it long, long time ago but I still have the letter and the ring box.

I considered myself lucky coz I got a window seat. I think it couldn’t be any more perfect that I got a window seat for my first ever flight overseas. I didn’t sleep the whole 12 hours, I watched lotsa movies, played games and listened to Kelly Clarkson over and over again. We arrived in Heathrow in the morning. When we were getting off the plane, the flight attendants gave us lotsa big juice boxes. There were JPA officers in Heathrow waiting for us. They arranged for airport transfer for us, 3 students assigned to one MPV and we were housed in Malaysia Hall until our departure to Cardiff. In Malaysia Hall, JPA did a small welcoming party for us, ade speeches and makan2. Later we were brought upstairs and each of us was given a minute to call our parents informing them that we had safely arrived. I called Khalis later at night and he informed me that I was in Top In Malaysia List for A Level Accounting and I was the only one from my college. A lot of good things happened in one day. It was one of the happiest days in my life. I stayed in London for 3 nights - we had to wait for the second Cardiff group, but no one was complaining. The UCL students brought us around. I don’t remember well what we did in London. I was introduced to the Tube and double decker bus and we went to the Parks, ate kebab and went to UCL among other things.The only not so good memory was that certain parts of body got rashes. It was super itchy! But nothing serious, its gone when I got used to the weather. Its something that I always got, every year, when I came back in September.

We made our journey to Cardiff the next day after the second Cardiff group arrived. JPA chartered a coach for us, (for free) and they even sent their officers with us. In Cardiff, our Malaysian seniors were waiting for us and they sent us to our respective accommodation receptions. Mine was Student House. I was the only who got a House, the rest would be staying in the many, many Halls of Residence. There were 12 rooms inside my house, 5 of us were international students. We had 6 females and 6 males in the House. I got Room no 1. My room was small, on the ground floor but the furnishing was good. The House was just 5 minutes away from Business School and I usually woke up 10 mints before the first morning lecture. The Seniors were kind to us, they brought us Shopping (recommended what we should buy) and showed Cardiff to us. My House was really near to the City and was on one of the major roads in Cardiff. Cardiff’s a city university, so the uni buildings were all scattered in the City. I had more than a week to get to know Cardiff as classes would only start first week of October.

We were very lucky. We were the last batch that received such VIP treatment from JPA. Our juniors had to figure things out themselves. They were alone the moment they boarded the flights. Khalis too. He had to carik teksi to London and to Coventry and sorted out accommodation in London himself.

I only went to London 4 times the while I was studying. 1) First year - Arrival 2) First year – Summer break – departed from Heathrow 3) Third year - Careers Fair – spent a week in London, had 4 interviews and jalan2 4) Third year – departed from Heathrow, balik Malaysia for good

Food

I read this book by Dr D’Adamo, Eat Right For Your Type and now I am a total convert. So what is this book all about? Dr D’Adamo claims that ABO blood type is the most important factor in determining a healthy diet thus promotes distinct diets for people with O, A, B, and AB blood types. His premise is that human blood type is key to the body's ability to differentiate self from non-self. Lectins in foods, he asserts, react differently with each ABO blood type and to a lesser extent with an individual's secretor status. Lectins which interact with the different ABO type antigens are described as incompatible and harmful, therefore the selection of different foods for A, AB, B, and O types is important to minimize reactions with these lectins.

I have been on this diet for about 2 weeks now, too early to tell if it’s actually doing me any good. I’m losing a lil bit of weight (something between 1.5kg - 2kg), but I strongly believe that its due to portion control rather than the food itself. Weight loss however is only secondary, what I really aim for is healthy body. The Avoid List for my blood type isn’t so bad. Of course I have to give up a number of things that I love but I still have a wide variety of food that I can choose from. Unlike one particular blood type, I don’t have to be vegetarian, thank God.

Lets have a look at what I have to avoid shall we?

1)Chicken. A typical Malaysian, I eat lotsa chicken. I like chicken. But not eating chicken is not actually a super duper huge loss for me because a) I only eat chicken breast b) I prefer fish over chicken most of the time. The only problem is that it’s not really convenient having to avoid chicken because chicken is in pretty much everything. Like I can’t eat nasik goreng or mende2 masakan panas lain, and fast food (Bye bye Domino’s classified chicken). And very often, makanan sedap2 kat kedai is exclusive for chicken, like nasik ayam and ayam goreng McD.

2)Tomato. I never knew how much I love tomato until now. Tomato is in good food everywhere! Sambal belacan, sos cili, masak merah and that super yummy beef pie kat Dome (ok, x sure ade tomato ke x, but cam ade je).

3)Shellfish. So no more prawn, crab and spesis2 kerang and also anchovy. So I had to bid farewell to seafood soup(lobster bisque..sob sob) and nasik lemak. Also budu and belacan and cencalok. Good thing is I can still eat squid.

4)Wheat. I’m trying, but there is just no way I can avoid wheat. So I’m limiting my bread intake to like twice a week and each time, just a bun. And I also have to switch to spinach pasta.

5)Corn. I used to eat cornflakes for breakfast 5 days a week so I had to switch to something else.

6)Coconut. Coconut shake..wuwuwu..

7)Ice cream. (BR’s strawberry cheesecake..bye bye to you too)

8)Black and white pepper. So I now have very limited flavoring that I can use at home. To be exact, only kicap.

9) Vegetable oil. ALL types of vege oils except olive oil. This is impossible too. There's just no way I'm gonna give up eating out just to avoid vege oils. At home, I try to use olive oil whenever possible, termasuk goreng ikan.

The list is a lot longer, but mostly of food I won’t sorely miss. Like lentil, persimmon, sesame, quail, nuts etc.

So my daily meal plan is like this:-

Breakfast – Skimmed Milk +granola/ oats. Weekend - Bread

Lunch – Rice + Fish + Vege (I quote directly from Dr D’Adamo – vegetable world is your kingdom. So I can pretty much eat all vege. Except for tomato)

Dinner – Rice + Beef/Egg + Vege + Fruit ( I still don’t like beef very much, but telan je lah.. the reason I eat beef at night is bcoz I have to cook beef myself. Unless its steak, sup or masak biryani/rendang mcm kat knduri, I can’t really eat beef cooked by others. But some days, I skip dinner.

Weekend – I try to eat lamb. Beef is neutral to me. In the meat section, Lamb is highly beneficial to me.

Not so bad right??

Khalis is supportive of me following this diet. He understands that this is important for me. So nowadays he too tries to reduce his chicken intake to make things easier for me. Before this, we only bought chicken when we went grocery shopping but now we also add fish and beef into the cart.

2 Cerita

These cerpen and sajak were first published 11 years ago when I was 15. Utusan Malaysia in the olden days published one cerpen+few sajak once a week and I always looked forward to them. A lot were crappy ones but for me these 2 were the best (again, please note that I was only 15, my judgment could be flawed ). I have been looking for these for years. Once in a while (like once every 2 years) I would run a Google search on them. The cerpen, I remember the tajuk and the sajak, I remember about 2 lines of it. Last night, I searched for the 2 again and I found ‘em! I thank God for the internet. These days ppl can just Google anything.

So I'm publishing them in here so that I dont have to look for them again.

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Percakapan kepada Seorang Kekasih – Sham Al-Johori

hiruplah sebahagian daripada derita masa lalu
sambil mencium harum yang menusuk

kau perempuan lahir dari pelabuhan rindu
datang khabarkan nyanyian sejambak mawar
kepadaku; lelaki dari pergunungan atma cinta

inilah saatnya kita himpunkan aksara nestapa silam
membebat luka yang mendarah dengan mantera sunyi
menyepuh kasih yang menanah dengan zikir sepi
maka lenyaplah kesangsian doa seorang aku
yang murba sayangnya terhukum
oleh jarak dan waktu masa lalu

kekasih,
aku ingin melihat segala-galanya mewangi
dan harumnya tumpah ke dalam cinta abadi.

Kuala Lumpur – Jakarta.

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Sekuntum Kembang Di Sayap Jibril - S.M. Zakir

Laila

harumanmu menembusi jantungku

bagai wewangian kasturi yang lurut

di taman firdausi menyerbaki langit

dan membakar cinta dengan nyala api

yang tidak mungkin padam

walau matahari sekalipun terpadam

Bagai kuntuman angin yang menyerbaki bunga-bunga, puisi itu lalu menjadi lagu membenahi dadanya, ngilu. Ah! Aku tidak punyai kata seindah itu untuk membalas kerinduanmu, wahai Qais. Walau aku juga punyai rindu yang bukan sahaja melurut kasturi di langit firdausi tetapi bahkan menukari gurun pasir menjadi al-kauthar yang mengalir dari syurga.

Nizami diam memerhatikan Najwa dan Farith menghayati watak mereka. Memperdalamkan rasa bagi memenuhi tuntutan kejujuran sebuah seni. Farhad, Zuhair, Taha, Fatin, Suhaila dan Nabila diam memerhati dengan fikiran melayang ke dalam dialog-dialog yang perlu mereka lafazkan. Sementara Mukriz dan Masood tegak memandang, memikirkan cahaya dan prop yang sesuai untuk set.

Pementasan akan dipersembahkan tidak lama lagi. Sekarang tumpuan harus ditingkatkan sepenuhnya. Nizami tidak dapat dinafikan lagi adalah seorang seniman yang cukup tinggi sentuhan rasa seninya. Di tangannya, lagenda Cyrano de Bergerac yang masyhur itu kini dibaca ke dalam versi Laila dan Majnun yang cukup menyentuh. Hasil sentuhan jari fikir Nizami yang cukup mengkagumkan.

Cyrano de Bergerac adalah seorang tokoh abad ke-17 yang sangat ahli dalam membangunkan dan menghidupkan imaginasi manusia. Dalam kehidupan sehariannya Cyrano adalah seorang pahlawan pedang yang terhebat pada zamannya dan terkenal kerana banyaknya pertarungan pedang yang dihadapinya. Tetapi di samping kegemarannya yang sedemikian itu, Cyrano juga adalah seorang penyair, ahli falsafah dan idealis yang amat menentang kecurangan. Namun dalam kehebatan dan kelebi-hannya itu, Cyrano mempunyai satu kekurangan dalam hidupnya— iaitu dia mempunyai kecacatan yang harus dideritai seumur hidup. Cyrano mempunyai hidung yang terlampau panjang.

Dua ratus tahun kemudian lagenda Cyrano de Bergerac ini kemudian diangkat oleh seorang pujangga romantis Perancis, Edmond Rostand yang menghasilkan sebuah drama bersajak yang sangat masyhur—Cyrano de Bergerac. Cerita itu mengisahkan Cyrano yang sedar bahawa kejelekannya itu menjadi menghalang besar bagi cinta sucinya kepada seorang gadis jelita yang bernama Roxane. Lantaran itu Cyrano dengan rela hati telah menyerahkan curahan cinta Roxane yang tertarik dan terpesona oleh puisi Cyrano yang indah dan memikat hati itu kepada sahabat karibnya, Christian. Sedangkan Christian langsung tidak tahu mengucapkan hatta sebaris puisi pun. Roxane yangjatuh cinta dengan ungkapan-ungkapan indah Cyrano tidak mengenali siapa Cyrano. Sedang Cyrano yang pasti Roxane tidak akan menerima kecacatannya itu, menyerahkan cinta Roxane kepada Christian. Setelah Christian mati di medan perang dan Cyrano dalam saat terakhir nafasnya, barulah Roxane tahu kisah sebenarnya. Cyrano mati dalam kuntuman puisi-puisinya yang tidak sempat dikalungkan kepada Roxane.

Menghidupkan Laila dan Majnun dalam Cyrano de Bergerac, Nizami mendongak ke langit putih dan menunduk ke salji putih. Keputihan langit dan keputihan salji menyatu menjadikan alam seluruhnya putih. Nizami memejamkan matanya mencecap kemanisan angin dan menyerapnya masuk memenuhi takar dada-nya. Agh! Apakah cinta semanis ini?

Nizami membuka mata. Langit berbau zaitun. Putih dan putih seputih-putihnya. Putihnya langit. Putihnya salji. Sehinggakan warna hitam pun menjadi pudar. Agh! Apakah cinta juga seputih ini?

Nizami diam dan kembali menjalarkan ingatannya. Kepada masa-masa lepas yang indah dan menyerikan. Kepada dunia yang pernah memulusi jiwanya. Kepada saat yang pernah rnenyalakan api dalam dadanya.

Laila,

langit kurasakan mati

ketika redup matamu hilang

dari sentuhanku – jejari mataku sepi

dan bibirmu menjadi darah kepada rinduku

Laila menatap puisi Qais. Kata-kata itu membakar tubuhnya seperti api yang membakar Ibrahim a.s. Dingin. Wahai Qais, aku terbakar dalam apimu yang dingin. Kata-katamu adalah api dan aku adalah bahan yang terbakar oleh nyala merahmu. Siapakah kau wahai Qais, yang memenjarakan aku dalam puisi-puisimu.

“Kita perlukan prop tangan.” Mukriz merenung Nizami.

Nizami menongkat dagu. Pandangannya melayang ke hadapan. Mereka berehat di sudut memerhatikan rakan-rakan menjalani latihan. Ujaran Mukriz tadi masuk berdiam di dalam cepu kepalanya.

“Najwa harus mendakap sekuntum kembang…” Mukriz lagi.

“Umm.”

“Prop tangan untuk Farith juga.”

“Umm. Juga prop hias. Dunia romantis harus hidup dan bernafas di dinding, di pentas, di set dan udara di sini.” Nizaini memecah. Dia mahu memastikan bahawa yang hidup bukan sebuah lakonan tetapi sebuah penjiwaan. “Farith perlu lebih bertenaga dan Najwa….” Kata-katanya mati di situ.

“Nabila boleh membantu dengan sketsa kostum.” Mukriz menyambung.

“Ummm…. Romantis. Hidupkan zaman itu.”

“Kostum….”

“Sebelum kostum… ingat. Plot prop. Harus diteliti banyak kali.”

“Prop…” Suara Mukriz tenggelam di situ. Berfikir. Nizami bangun menuju pentas.

“Run through.” Nizami mengatur kembali latihan.

Dunia memang tidak seputih langit. Namun dunia tetap sebahagian daripada langit. Bukankah langit yang melahirkan dunia? Jika langit yang melahirkan dunia, bukankah dunia itu juga adalah langit? Nizami membiarkan perasaannya menerawang bebas. Bercakap semahunya. Walaupun tanpa erti. Laila dan Majnun. Cinta agung daripada sang sufi Hakim Nizami. Bukan sahaja menguntumi dunia sufi tetapi menjalar melemaskan Shakespears hingga menggodanya untuk menggubah Romeo dan Juliet. Tetapi cinta sang sufi ini terlalu agung, dan Majnun itu adalah bayangan cinta sang sufi terhadap Tuhannya. Seperti langit dan salji, ia menyatu dalam warna putih. Seperti sang sufi dan Tuhannya, ia menyatu dalam cinta. Majnun adalah sang sufi dan Laila itu adalah cinta. Dan seluruhnya demi Tuhan.

Najwa. Sebaris nama itu menyentak Nizami.

Cuaca sehari dua ini memang buruk. Salji turun tidak henti-henti. Setiap inci tanah diputihi salji. Cuaca buruk memberikan mereka sedikit ruang rehat. Bandar yang terkepung dan hampir musnah menyisakan sedikit harapan. Letusan sesekali kedengaran jauh. Mereka masih jauh dari bandar ini. Tetapi tidak lama. Itu pasti. Sebentar lagi sisa-sisa harapan ini akan menemui nasibnya. Tidak lama. Pasti tidak lama.

“Farith, katakan saja itu puisi-puisimu.”

“Itu puisimu Nizami. Bagaimana aku boleh mengatakan ia puisiku sedang aku tidak punya walau sepatah kata pun yang dapat aku jadikan puisi.”

“Katakan saja Farith. Segalanya akan berjalan baik. Kau akan menyenangkan Najwa.”

“Nizami. Mengapa? Kau takut kepada cinta?” Suasana sejenak diam.

“Aku telah biasa menyimpan setiap cintaku di dadaku, Farith.”

“Selama mana dadamu dapat menahan bebannya?”

“Selama mana aku dapat melepaskannya dalam puisi-puisiku.”

“Walaupun kau harus menipu dirimu sendiri?”

“Aku tidak mahu mengecewakan hatiku sendiri.”

“Engkau tidak layak menjadi laki-laki.”

“Aku hanya ingin menjadi manusia, Farith.”

Farith, aku adalah laki-laki yang harus sengsara untuk setiap intanya. Salji masih turun lebat. Sehingga dia sudah tidak dapat membezakan antara langit dan bumi. Apakah dia sudah berada di langit? Melihat Majnun yang sedang meribai Laila. Mendengar nyanyian bidadari yang hanyut di setiap liang angin. Menghidu narwastu yang terkibas daripada sayap para malaikat. Agh! Aku berkhayal.

Semasa remaja ketika hatinya berdetak melihat gadis, dia akan segera menahan perasaan itu daripada keluar dari dadanya. Dia menyimpan dan menahannya sehingga dia dapat mele­paskannya dalam kuntuman puisi yang mengulum di bibir angin. Suatu masa dia menjadi begitu bosan dengan cinta sehingga puisinya menjadi benturan kecewa, takut, marah dan benci. Dia cuba lari daripada cinta tetapi setiap kali dia berlari jejaknya tetap berakhir dan rebah di kolam cinta. Akhirnya dia sedar cinta itu bukan duri tetapi sekuntum kembang yang turun dari langit.

Laila,

aku juga mempunyai mimpi

tujuh ekor lembu gemuk ditelan tujuh ekor lembu kurus

tujuh tahun musim semi dan tujuh tahun musim kemarau

tujuh tahun musim semi adalah hari-hariku di mekar redup matamu

tujuh tahun musim sakit adalah rinduku yang kehilangan wajahmu

Itukah mimpi yangkau pintal daripada mimpi Yusuf a.s, ya Qais. Wahai Qais, jika itu mimpimu akulah musim semimu dan musiw sakitmu. Kerana iramaku yang aku sulam dari setiap rinduku akan mengalungi setiap patah puisimu. Tidak mungkin bagiku melepaskan walaupun sepatah puisimu dari dadaku.

“Syabas. Aku kagum sekali.” Nizami berbisik kepada Faritli sebaik sahaja berakhir babak pertama. Tirai ditutup sementani menunggu babak kedua. Dalam latihan akhir atau latihan lengkap dengan kostum ini semuanya akan dijalankan sepertimann persembahan nanti.

“Nizami, karyamu….” Kata-kata Farith terhenti apabila sekujui tubuh genit menyentak perhatian mereka. “Najwa…”

“Aku telah bersedia untuk segalanya. Aku dapat merasakan Laila meresap ke seluruh tubuhku. Agh! Hebat. Memang persembahan ini akan menjadi sesuatu yang bermakna. Aku yakin.” Najwa merenungi Farith. Dan kemudian Nizami. Nizami menunduk.

“Puas hati kostum?” Farith bertanya.

“Nabila mempunyai imaginasi yang sungguh hebat.”

Nizami mengangguk. Farith juga menyetujuinya.

Najwa memandang kedua-duanya. Farith, pemuda Palestin yang tampan dengan bakatnya yang begitu agung. Puisinya bukan sahaja membakar seluruh manusia di sangkar cintanya tetapi seluruh mergastua hangus di gurun asyiknya. Farith, aku adalah antara manusia yang terbakar oleh puisimu. Dan Nizami, warga Mesir yang mempunyai titisan darah Parsi, pemuda misterius pendiam dan pemendam. Seniman yang tajam sentuhan rasanya. Namun sesungguhnya dia adalah manusia yang paling misteri.

“Najwa. Penjiwaanmu sungguh hebat.”

“Semuanya kerana puisimu, Farith.”

Farith tersentak.

Siang dan malam kota ini dibedil tidak henti-henti. Kini langit berjelaga dan salji menjadi hitam. Namun semangat para pejuang adalah Umar Al-Khattab. Nizami merenung kota yang hancur. Kenangan manisnya tenggelam bersama runtuhan kota.

Kenangan manis yang tidak mungkin dapat diulangi lagi. liersemadi dalam lipatan ingatan untuk selamanya. Kenangan bermain teater bersama-sama. Pementasan mereka memang melipatkan sejarah yang paling manis. Bukan sahaja kejayaannya memukau penonton tetapi bahkan telah menukilkan sejarah dunia kesusasteraan. Universiti yang pernah harum oleh nama lqbal ini bagai kembali menyerbaki aroma yang menyihir dunia.

Namun kemudian ia berakhir. Karya itu atau sebarang karya tidak mungkin dipentaskan lagi. Dia mengambil keputusan tidak pulang ke Mesir. Ikwanul Muslimin sedang disasar hebat. Sebaliknya, dengan bantuan Masood anak komander mujahidin Afghanistan itu, dia menuju ke Peshawar menyambung perjuangan As-syahid Abdullah Yusuf Azzam yang syahid di Sab’aa Lail. Dia menyertai Maktab Khadamat atau Mujahideen Services Bureauyang ditubuhkan oleh Abdullah Azzam. Dia kemudian dihantar sebagai tenaga profesional di kem pasukan elit di Sada. Dan kini di bawah langit yang suram ini, nyawanya mungkin hanya sejengkal daripada salam malaikatul-maut. Bersama mujahidin Chechen di Grozny yang hancur.

Farith kembali ke Palestin menyertai HAMAS. Bersamanya ialah Zuhair anak Jordan itu. Mukriz kembali ke Malaysia. Dan Najwa….Najwa mungkin dapat bertemu Mukriz di Malaysia. Najwa mengambil keputusan menetap di Malaysia bersama kedua-dua orang tuanya yang menjadi diplomat di sana. Malaysia negara yang aman. Islam selamat di sana. Bukan seperti di dunia sebelah sini di mana Islam terpaksa dipertahankan dengan darah dan airmata. Tanahair di sini menuntutjihad setiap watannya demi daulah dan ukhwahnya. Syukur, Najwa di Malaysia. Iklim Islam harmoni di sana. Nizami diam tertunduk. Najwa, seluruh jiwaku tumpah kepadamu. Namun kau pun tahu aku seperti Cyrano menderitai kecacatan rupa yang menu tup separuh wajahku dengan tanda lahir yang hitam dan buruk, yang tidak mungkin untuk melafazkan sebarang kata kepada gadis yang dicintainya. Seperti Cyrano akil hanya mampu mengungkapkan puisi demi puisi. Dan seperli Cyrano yang pasti bahawa Roxane tidak akan dapat menerima kecacatannya, aku yang telah memerangkap cintamu dalam sangkar puisiku-menyerahkan seluruh puisiku kepada Farith. Farith adalah yang selayaknya buatmu.

Seperti Cyrano, aku sebentar lagi akan berkubur di si in bersama puisi-puisi yang tidak sempat aku kalungkan kepadamu, Najwa.

Kota Grozny telah mula dimasuki oleh para penjarah Rusia. Bilangan mereka terlalu ramai jika dibandingkan dengan pani mujahidin. Apatah dikuatkan lagi dengan serangan udara yang tidak putus-putus. Kota Grozny hanya tinggal namanya sahaja. Langitnya yang putih dan buminya yang putih bertukar menjadi merah dan hitam.

Ketibaan bantuan makanan, ubatan dan peluru untuk para mujahidin membawa bersama suatu khabar buat Nizami. Walaupun kota Grozny ini dikepung ketat tetapi terowong-terowong di bawah kota ini tidak dapat dikesan oleh para penjarah Rusia itu. Seorang daripada pembawa bantuan itu mengenali Nizami. Dia seorang pemuda Arabjordan yang sama seuniversiti tetapi terkemudian daripada Nizami. Pemuda Arab ini menceritakan tentang Zuhair dan Farith. Zuhair ditemuinya di kem Al-Qaeda, sebuah kem yang ditubuh dan dibiayai oleh Osama Ben Laden. Zuhair keluar dari Palestin berikutan serangan udara dan darat besar-besaran dari­pada rejim Tel Aviv. Menurut pemuda Arab ini, Zuhair mengatakan Farith adalah antara syuhada yang gugur. Zuhair keluar dari Palestin dan menyertai legasi Osama Ben Laden. Pemuda Arab itu berpisah dengan Zuhair di Al-Qaeda dan tidak mendengar apa-apa berita lagi tentang Zuhair.

Farith! Sahabatku. Engkau memang dilahirkan sebagai seorang laki-laki. Al-Fatihah dan doaku akan mengiringi ruhmu ke syurga. Engkau adalah syuhada yang bakal mengharumijannah.

Letupan dan letusan semakin sengit. Balatentera Rusia telah memasuki keseluruhan Grozny. Para mujahidin diarahkan keluar dari Grozny melalui terowong-terowong bawah tanah. Namun sebahagian daripada para pejuang telah siap untuk syahid di kota para syuhada ini.

Sebuah letupan kuat tepat di kedudukan Nizami.

Pemuda Arab tadi berpatah balik ke arah Nizami. Namun dia hanya sempat menampung sekujur tubuh yang sakaratulmaut.

“Langit… sungguh putih… aku melihat kembang… yang turun… dari sana… langit.”

Pemuda Arab itu melafazkan kalimah syahadah ke telinga Nizami. Kalimah syahadah disambut Nizami. Bergetar dan menjalar di salji yang merah.

“Sayap… malaikat… Jibril” Kemudian tiada getar yang

menyapa salji, langit, kota, getir.

Di atas langit berjelaga. Di bawah bumi merah saljinya.

Malaysia teguh, aman dan damai. Najwa tidak sabar lagi menunggu kedatangan Mukriz. Sejak mereka berpisah di universiti dahulu, dia tidak pernah bersua muka dengan seorang pun daripada mereka. Kali terakhir hanya berjumpa Nabila yang balik ke Qatar kerana telah dipinang sepupunya, jutawan minyak. Selepas itu dia terputus hubungan dengan sahabat-sahabatnya. Najwa kemudiannya meninggalkan Mesir mengikuti kedua-dua orang tuanya ke Malaysia. Tidak beberapa lama di Malaysia, Najwa berusaha menghubungi Mukriz, pemuda Malaysia yang pintar dan kreatif itu. Dan tidak lama, negara yang lengkap infrastruktur komunikasi dan segalanya ini menemukannya dengan Mukriz.

“Mukriz.” Najwa telah ternampak Mukriz di pintu lobi. Mukriz kelihatan berisi. Dari jauh Mukriz tersenyum.

“Apa khabar Laila.” Mukriz menyapa Najwa, yang kelihatan begitu gembira.

“Laila sekarang kehilangan Majnun, boleh tolong carikan Majnun, Laila, Mukriz.” Najwa bergurau membalas sapaan Mukriz. Mukriz sedikit terpinga namun perubahan itu tidak terkesan oleh Najwa.

“Mari kita ke kafe.”

Najwa mengikuti jejak Mukriz ke kafe, sambil mulut sibuk bertanya. Tidak sabar untuk mendengar berita sahabat-sahabat tercinta di universiti dahulu.

Mereka minum berbual tentang karier, kehidupan, kenanga 11 manis ketika sama-sama berteater hingga kepada puisi Iqbal dan Rumi.

“Najwa. Aku ada khabar untukmu. Aku harap engkau dapai menerimanya sebagai sebahagian daripada takdir yang kitajalani.” Mukriz perlahan-lahan membawa Najwa kepada satu ruang rasa yang lain. Rasa terhadap sesuatu yang sukar dan payah.

Najwa tunak memandang Mukriz. Mukriz menarik nafas. Mengatur ayat dan kata yang dihafaznya sejak Najwa menghubu-nginya di Malaysia.

“Najwa, tahukah bahawa Cyrano itu memang benar-benar wujud.”

“Mukriz, kelucuan apa yang kau ingin nyatakan ini.” Najwa ketawa kecil.

“Antara kita, Cyrano itu muncul di dalam realiti pementasan kita.”

“Mukriz, kau ingin menjadi Cyrano pula.” Najwa masih tidak dapat mengesani.

“Majnunmu Najwa. Majnunmu adalah Cyrano.”

“Um?” Najwa ingin ketawa tetapi dia melihat Mukriz serius *sekali.

“Tahukah wahai Laila, puisi-puisi yang membakar cintamu itu bukan dari Farith. Sama sekali tidak.”

Najwa merenung Mukriz dalam. Perasaannya mula gementar. Semua berubah dalam saat ini.

“Puisi-puisi itu adalah daripada Nizami untuk seorang gadis yang dicintainya, bernama Najwa.”

Begitukah? Puisi-puisi yang begitu bening mulus itu selama ini menipuku dengan cintanya yang penakut. Mengapa dia tidak menjadi laki-laki? Mengapa dia lari daripada berdepan dengan kenyataan? Mengapa dia mengorbankan aku? Mengorbankan Farith? Mengorbankan dirinya? Takut? Laki-laki apakah Nizami ini?

Wajah Farith dan Nizami bersilih ganti muncul di fikiran Najwa.

“Doakan mereka Najwa. Semoga ruh mereka dicucuri rahmat.”

Najwa mendongak Mukriz. Pementasan apa pula ini Mukriz?

“Farith menyertai HAMAS dan syahid di tanah suci Palestin. Nizami menyertai legasi As-Syahid Abdullah Yusuf Azzam di Peshawar. Menjadi tenaga kepada pasukan elit Maktab Khadamat. Nizami syahid di Grozny.”

Airmata. Apakah ia mempunyai nilai di sini?

“Farith, sebelum pulang ke tanahairnya pernah mengatakan kepadaku bahawa dia tidak mungkin mencintai selain dari agama dan tanahairnya.” Mukriz bersuara amat perlahan.

Farith, kini aku tahu mengapa kau menolak cintaku. Engkau mengatakan bahawa engkau tidak mahu melihat kehilangan di hadapan matamu lagi, setelah keluargamu dibungkas granit Tel Aviv di hadapan matamu sendiri. Dan engkau merasakan bahawa setiap orang juga tidak mahu melihat kehilangan di hadapan matanya. Cinta itu benar tetapi agama itu lebih benar.

“Nizami tidak mahu keluar dari Grozny.”

Nizami, mengapa engkau lari begitu jauh menghindari kenyataan yang sepatutnya kau hadapi. Apakah kerana darah syuhada-syuhada Ikhwan Muslimin yang mengalir di dalam tubuhmu itu tidak mengizinkan mereka mencintai yang lain selain daripada perjuangan mereka? Dan menjadikan jiwamu terpe-rangkap antara dirimu dan mereka? Najwa tiba-tiba teringat kata-kata Nizami. Itulah pertama dan terakhir Nizami bercakap empat mata dengannya. “Najwa, Laila itu adalah cinta yang membawa Majnun kepada Tuhan. Laila itu bukan manusia bukan syahwat tetapi cinta. Laila itu sekuntum kembang yang turun dari langit untuk dihirup kesegaran harumnya oleh para abid dan para sufi. Dan begitu juga, setiap perjuangan suci itu adalah cinta yang muncul sebagai sekuntum kembang yang mekarnya demi Tuhan.”

Nizami, engkau juga pernah mengatakan bahawa cinta yang dipunyai Majnun bukan cinta syahwat tetapi cinta yang turun dari langit. Cinta Majnun adalah cinta para sufi yang meleburkan diri asyik ke dalam masyuknya. Cinta Majnun adalah sekuntum kembang yang tersisip di sayap Jibril.

Cintamu Nizami?

Airmata sememangnya tidak mempunyai apa-apa erti di sini.

Namun ia tetap mengalir memenuhi kolam yang tidak pernah kering. Cinta.

* * *

Di atas salji yang basah, sekujur tubuh terbujur menghadap kiblat. Wajahnya menantang langit. Di atas dadanya terbaring sekuntum kembang yang tidak pernah wujud di tanah salji ini.

Langit berbau zaitun. Putih seputih-putihnya.

Mingguan Malaysia, 14 Mei 2000

XYZ

I must admit when it comes to masak2 i ni idok le terer sgt. My friend in uni progressed from x reti grg ayam to bleh buat nasi beryani by year 1. My cooking skill was pretty much stagnant. I didnt really enjoy cooking. Especially coz susah nak jadi. besides, masak for one, ape yg bestnyer.. Most nights kalo x bli light of bengal or kebab i would eat nuggets/chicken strips/plain salmon bakar + nasik + sos cili. Kalo rajin sket, masak nasi grg or sushi or goreng ayam pastu tuang patak's. Sedapp ooo patak's ni.. Deserts lagi la x kose nk buat,first i xdak sweet tooth and second sbb kalo buat pn, konpom x jadi..so itu zaman2 study dulu.skang i cook for dinner about once a week. Oso x motivated sgt sbb selalu x jadi. Org cakap nak menjadi kne la buat berkali2,tapi masalahnye dah masak pn sekali dua seminggu,takan la everytime pn nak ulang mende sama sampai jadi..besides,khalis oso x kesah,i lagiii la x kesah..khalis said there are two things tht i buat above average - nasik ayam and nasi grg kg. and these 2 was since 4 years ago..sampai skang the list x expand pn.. and it doesnt really help either that we have different views on how certain things should be cooked. like i prefer my ayam kicap to be very diluted while khalis plak tanak campur air lansung..

Anyway, what i have learned so far is masak ikut resipi internet or buku doesnt work. From really simple stuff like sambal belacan to really complicated arabic dishes,i have tried them all. Hampes je sumenye..bt doesnt mean i've given up on them.. Nowadays,i ambik resipi from akak2 opis. Sambal tumis ikan bilis which i tried to make for years tp x pnah jadi akhirnye jadi dgn sekali attempt je bile akak opis ajar. From tht resipi sambal ikan bilis, buang brg2 yg x berkaitan,i buat bihun goreng which also never sedap b4 akhirnye menjadi terus. Its not about the ingredients sgt,tapi cara masak yg penting..which is x di ajar sgt dlm resipi2 google. My ingredients sambal ikan bilis tu,dr dlu smpi skang sama aje..tp now bile masak dgn btol,barulah edible.small success like this wont really make me taking up cooking as a hobby. It requires lotsa failures b4 i would really become terer and enjoy cooking. And i really dont have time for tht. And i dont have the patience either.I certainly dont foresee myself becoming a domestic goddess in years to come.tht aside, i love making drinks. Why,bcoz the success rate is 100%.

On totally unrelated matter,today is a really important day for me. Everything tht i've been working on in the past 10 months would be decided on today. My monthly horoscope specifically mentioned tht today would be a great day for me. I hope thts true. I'm going to need all the luck there is.